By: Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay, Journalist/ Psychologist
In many African families, boys are treated like princes from the moment they are born. They are praised, protected, and placed above everyone else in the household. They are often told that all they need to do is exist, and that life will unfold for them simply because they are male (Sepeng, Moloko-Phiri & Mulaudzi, 2022). While the boy child is shielded from chores, responsibilities, and accountability, the girl child is expected to carry the weight of the family from a very young age. She learns to cook, clean, care for younger siblings, and support her mother through silent struggles. She carries burdens that are not hers, while the boy grows up with the freedom to roam, play, and explore without direction (BMC Public Health, 2022).
Beyond daily roles, these children are raised with very different life expectations. The boy child is raised to stay within or close to the family, to carry the family name, and to inherit its legacy. The girl child is raised with the understanding that she will eventually leave her home, marry, and serve another family. Her life is shaped around departure and service, while his is shaped around entitlement and continuity.
Take Modou and Fatou as an example. Modou wakes up late, spends his time sleeping or playing, and moves through the day without responsibility. Fatou wakes before sunrise, prepares breakfast, cooks lunch, and ensures the home runs smoothly. When Modou wakes, everything shifts to him. His plate is filled first, and his comfort is prioritized.
Fatou, who has worked all morning, eats last, if she eats at all. No one asks if she is hungry or checks if she is tired. She becomes invisible, while Modou is celebrated for simply existing. This is not just a story, but a pattern that reflects childhood inequality in many African homes.
This “princess treatment” is often mistaken for love, but it creates an imbalance. Boys are raised with confidence but without accountability, while girls are raised with responsibility but without choice. Over time, boys grow into men who may lack discipline, purpose, and direction, yet expect life and the women around them to serve them (Ratele, 2013; MDPI, 2025).
This also helps explain why many unhealed men react strongly to conversations about polygamy in the 21st century. Their resistance is often rooted in discomfort. It is the discomfort of never questioning the systems that benefited them. Many of these men were protected from reality and never asked their mothers or sisters how they were truly doing. Instead, they developed a sense of entitlement and superiority, viewing women through a hierarchical rather than a partnership lens (UNICEF, 2023). In this context, polygamy becomes less about tradition and more about control. It is often practiced without a full understanding of its responsibility, yet justified through religion (Dove, 2019).
When some of these African men are faced with educated, self-aware, and financially independent African women, these men will attempt to reassert control. This may include returning to marry another wife in their home country. While this may be framed as a cultural obligation or their so-called right to marry up to four wives, it can also function as a way to maintain dominance, reinforce submission, and humble women who no longer conform to traditional expectations. These dynamics do not remain on the African continent alone. They extend into the diaspora, where they can become even more pronounced. Women who pursue education, independence, and self-development are often criticized or blamed for abandoning tradition, while men continue patterns that were never questioned. This creates tension between evolving identities and rigid expectations.
At the same time, the girl child is taught that her worth lies in being a wife and a mother. Her beauty and value are tied to serving her husband. The boy child is taught responsibility, but often selectively. He is expected to care for his mother and children, but is not always taught to respect, support, or emotionally invest in his wife as an equal partner.
Emotional Development and Undiagnosed Psychological Struggles:
These childhood dynamics shape more than behavior. They shape identity. Environments characterized by emotional neglect, overindulgence, rigid roles, and imbalance can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation, self-worth, and relationships (Linehan, 1993; APA, 2013). In some cases, individuals raised in such environments may exhibit traits associated with borderline personality disorder, including fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, emotional intensity, and identity struggles (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). This is not to label, but to understand the psychological impact of upbringing.
Boys who are overpraised without accountability may develop fragile self-worth and struggle with criticism or rejection. Girls who are overburdened and emotionally neglected may develop people-pleasing tendencies and lose their sense of identity. Both experiences can lead to challenges in forming healthy relationships and maintaining emotional stability (Crowell, Beauchaine & Linehan, 2009).
What often appears as confidence or authority in some men may actually stem from unaddressed emotional wounds. This can be described as wounded warrior energy.
“A wounded warrior is not defined by strength, but by the pain he refuses to confront. He seeks control where he lacks healing, dominance where he lacks identity, and silence from others to avoid hearing the truth within himself.”
Without healing, these patterns continue and become generational. Limited access to mental health awareness and services, both in Africa and in the diaspora, further deepens this issue (WHO, 2022). Many individuals remain undiagnosed and unsupported, carrying unresolved emotional wounds into adulthood.
The Need for Healing and Transformation
Breaking this cycle requires intentional healing. Family therapy can help address generational patterns, challenge harmful norms, and rebuild healthier relationships. Individual therapy allows both men and women to develop self-awareness, process childhood experiences, and build emotional resilience.
Men must unlearn entitlement and develop accountability, empathy, and purpose. Women must reclaim their identity beyond service, embrace autonomy, and recognize their worth outside of marriage and motherhood.
Cultural Conditioning and Its Long-Term Impact:
These patterns are deeply rooted in patriarchy. Boys are expected to carry the family name and legacy, while girls are expected to support and sustain others.
Boys are raised in a culture of freedom without responsibility. Girls are raised with responsibility without choice (Sepeng et al., 2022).
The consequences are significant. Men may struggle with direction and emotional awareness, while women may struggle with self-worth and independence. Without change, these patterns repeat across generations.
Raising boys as princes without responsibility may feel like love, but it produces men who are unprepared for life. Raising girls only as caregivers may feel like strength, but it limits their freedom and identity.
True transformation requires balance.
If African families, both on the continent and in the diaspora, rethink how they raise their children, they can create a future where men are responsible and emotionally aware, and women are empowered and self-defined. Love must come with accountability. Care must come with freedom. Equality must begin at home.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.)
BMC Public Health. (2022). Gender roles and child nutrition in Central Malawi
Crowell, S. E., Beauchaine, T. P., & Linehan, M. M. (2009). A biosocial developmental model of borderline personality disorder
Dove, N. (2019). Polygamy and its socio-cultural implications in Africa
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
MDPI. (2025). Norms of masculinities and gender socialization among boys in South Africa
Ratele, K. (2013). Masculinities without tradition
Sepeng, N. V., Moloko-Phiri, S. S., & Mulaudzi, F. M. (2022). The role of patriarchy in Africa
UNICEF. (2023). Equal treatment from day one
World Health Organization. (2022). Mental health in Africa
