There is something we need to talk about honestly in some African relationships: the difference between loving a woman and lusting after the idea of her.
This is not an accusation against African men as a whole. African men are not perfect, and neither are African relationships. Some African men are emotionally healthy and understand commitment, accountability, faithfulness, communication, and the responsibility that comes with loving another human being. However, there are also patterns in some relationships that deserve serious conversation, especially when intense attraction, fantasy, possession, insecurity, and unresolved emotional wounds are mistaken for love.
A man can see a woman on social media whom he has never met and immediately become consumed by her appearance. Within days or weeks, he is telling her, “I love you.” He calls constantly. He talks about marriage. He promises a future. He tells her she is different from every woman he has ever known. Before he has experienced her personality during conflict, witnessed how she responds to disappointment, learned her values deeply, or even spent meaningful time with her in person, he has already decided that she is “the one.”
However, what exactly is he in love with? Sometimes, it is not the woman. It is the fantasy he has created around the woman.
Physical attraction is normal. Desire is normal. Excitement at the beginning of a relationship is normal. The danger begins when attraction is presented as emotional intimacy and intensity is presented as evidence of love. Genuine love requires knowledge. You cannot deeply know someone you have barely encountered. Love develops through consistency, vulnerability, respect, accountability, conflict resolution, emotional safety, and time.
Consider the story of Modou and Fatou.
Modou lived abroad while Fatou lived in Africa. One day, Modou came across Fatou’s pictures on social media. She was beautiful, confident, well-dressed, and carried herself in a way that immediately caught his attention. Modou had never spent a single day with Fatou, yet his imagination began building an entire woman from photographs.
He contacted her.
At first, Fatou was cautious. However, Modou was persistent. He called every morning and every night. He sent affectionate messages. He talked about destiny, marriage, children, and the beautiful life they would have together. He reassured Fatou repeatedly that his intentions were serious.
“I love you,” he told her.
Fatou wondered how a man who had never lived near her or even spent meaningful time with her could be so certain already. But Modou’s attention was intense and convincing. Eventually, she began to believe that perhaps this really was love. Modou did everything he could to convince her. Eventually, they married even before they had experienced ordinary daily life together in person.
When Modou finally traveled to Africa to spend time with his wife, reality replaced fantasy. Fatou was no longer a beautiful photograph on his phone. She was a complete human being. She had opinions, moods, boundaries, expectations, habits, needs, strengths, and imperfections. Within a few weeks, the excitement began to wear off.
Then Modou asked Fatou a devastating question: would she accept him taking a second wife? Fatou was confused. How could the man who had pursued her so intensely, who had spoken endlessly about how much he loved her, already be looking toward another woman?
The problem may have begun long before Fatou. Modou had mistaken pursuit for intimacy, intensity for commitment, and desire for love. He loved the emotional high of wanting Fatou. Once he possessed what he had been chasing and ordinary married life replaced fantasy, he began searching for another source of excitement.
Moreover, this is where some men must ask themselves an uncomfortable question: Do I actually want a relationship, or am I addicted to the feeling of pursuing women? Some people repeatedly move from woman to woman without stopping long enough to understand why their previous relationships failed. One relationship ends on Monday, and by Friday there is another “love of my life.” There is no grieving, therapy, reflection, accountability, or examination of personal behavior. Instead of healing, another human being becomes the distraction.
Research on sociosexual orientation the degree to which someone is comfortable separating sexual activity from emotional commitment has found associations between more unrestricted sociosexuality, lower commitment, and greater likelihood of infidelity-related behavior (Mattingly et al., 2011). That research is not specifically about African men, and it should not be used to stereotype them. It does, however, demonstrate a broader psychological point: sexual desire and relational commitment are not automatically the same thing.
Unresolved childhood experiences can also carry into adulthood and shape romantic relationships. Research has found associations between adverse childhood experiences and later intimate-partner violence, as well as between childhood maltreatment and insecure adult attachment (Zhu et al., 2024; Zhang et al., 2026). A boy who grows up without emotional safety may become a man who has never learned to be emotionally vulnerable. A child who repeatedly experiences rejection, instability, neglect, humiliation, violence, or inconsistent affection may enter adulthood carrying wounds he has never named. However, childhood trauma can explain vulnerability; it does not excuse harmful behavior. Trauma is not permission to traumatize someone else. Some men may seek constant female attention because validation temporarily quiets their insecurity. Being desired makes them feel powerful. Pursuing a new woman produces excitement. Winning her affection produces validation. However, once she becomes emotionally available and the relationship requires vulnerability, responsibility, patience, sacrifice, and consistency, the emotional high disappears.
Then another woman catches his attention.
Moreover, the cycle begins again. Attachment research is important here. Meta-analytic evidence has connected attachment insecurity with partner maltreatment, particularly under stress, although attachment insecurity by itself does not mean someone will become abusive (Knox et al., 2024). Other research has found that insecure attachment is associated with poorer relationship satisfaction and commitment over time (Hadden et al., 2014).
Narcissistic traits may also appear in some unhealthy relationships, but we need to use this language responsibly. Being selfish, unfaithful, emotionally immature, arrogant, or inconsiderate does not automatically mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A clinical diagnosis requires professional assessment. Still, narcissistic traits such as entitlement, exploitation, excessive need for admiration, lack of empathy, or grandiosity can damage intimate relationships. Research has found associations between narcissistic traits and attitudes toward infidelity, while research on sexual narcissism has found associations between certain narcissistic sexual traits and infidelity in marriage (Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023; McNulty & Widman, 2014).
This is why women should be careful not to confuse overwhelming early attention with evidence of emotional health. Someone telling you “I love you” quickly does not automatically mean manipulation. Some relationships genuinely develop quickly. However, you should always measure words against behavior, time, character, emotional maturity, and consistency. Can this person accept “no”?
Can he apologize without turning himself into the victim? Can he tolerate disagreement without punishment?
Can he remain loving when he is frustrated? Can he discuss his previous relationships without describing every former partner as crazy or evil? Has he examined what he contributed to those relationships’ breakdown? Can he be alone without immediately needing another woman to validate him? Moreover, perhaps most importantly: Does his behavior after he gets you resemble his behavior while he was trying to get you?
Because pursuit is easy for some people, maintenance is where character becomes visible. This is also why I believe we need to bring friendship back into the foundation of relationships. Before rushing toward marriage, two people need an opportunity to know one another genuinely. Friendship does not mean there will never be attraction or romantic feelings. It means allowing enough time and emotional space to discover the human being underneath the attraction. Can we talk when there is nothing romantic to say? Can we laugh together? Can we disagree respectfully? Can I trust you with my vulnerability? Can you respect my boundaries when you do not get what you want? Can we have difficult conversations without threatening the relationship? Do your actions consistently match your words?
These things take time to discover. Trust is not built because someone says, “Trust me.” Trust is built through repeated experiences of honesty, reliability, emotional safety, accountability, and consistency. Before becoming husband and wife, learn how to be friends. Let friendship reveal character before marriage creates obligations. Spend enough appropriate time getting to know each other’s values, family expectations, communication styles, finances, attitudes toward children, faith, culture, gender roles, intimacy, conflict, extended family, career goals, household responsibilities, and expectations of marriage.
Moreover, ask the uncomfortable questions before the wedding.
What does fidelity mean to you? What are your expectations regarding monogamy or polygamy? How will money be handled? How many children do we actually want? How will we discipline our children? What happens if we struggle with infertility? What role will our extended families have in our marriage? What does respect look like when we disagree? What are our expectations around sex and affection? How do we respond to anger? Have either of us experienced trauma that continues to affect our relationships? Are there unresolved relationships or emotional attachments from the past?
These conversations may not be romantic, but they can protect a marriage far more than flowers, expensive weddings, photographs, or passionate promises.
This is also why premarital counseling matters. Premarital counseling should not be viewed as something couples need because something is already wrong. It can be preventive work. It gives two people an opportunity to discuss expectations and potential areas of conflict before those issues become crises. Research has found associations between premarital education and greater marital satisfaction and commitment and lower conflict, although outcomes vary and counseling cannot guarantee a successful marriage (Stanley et al., 2006).
A qualified counselor can help couples explore communication, conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, parenting expectations, family of origin experiences, religious beliefs, boundaries, emotional needs, trauma histories, and expectations surrounding marriage.
Imagine how different Modou and Fatou’s story might have been if they had slowed down.
What if they had spent more time developing friendship rather than building a marriage around attraction and promises?
What if someone had asked Modou why he believed he loved a woman he barely knew?
What if premarital counseling had required them to discuss his views about additional wives before Fatou entered the marriage?
What if Fatou had been given the emotional space to ask whether Modou loved her or loved the fantasy he had constructed around her?
Those conversations might not necessarily have prevented every problem. However, they could have revealed important differences before marriage made the consequences much greater.
For some women, the dramatic change happens after marriage. For others, it happens during pregnancy or after children arrive. The woman who once received endless affection may suddenly experience emotional neglect, control, humiliation, financial restriction, infidelity, threats, or physical violence.
This is not merely anecdotal; it is a broader women’s health concern. The World Health Organization identifies intimate partner violence as a major global public-health problem, with substantial differences across countries and regions (World Health Organization [WHO], 2025).
Financial abuse deserves particular attention because a woman with children may find herself emotionally ready to leave but economically unable to do so. Research reviews have associated economic abuse with harmful mental-health, physical-health, financial, parenting, and quality-of-life outcomes (Adams et al., 2022). Moreover, this brings us to another truth that our communities desperately need to understand: the strength of a family has absolutely nothing to do with how many children a couple produces.
Having six, eight, ten, or twelve children does not automatically mean someone has built a successful family. Children are not evidence of emotional intimacy. Pregnancy is not proof of marital stability. Moreover, a large household is not automatically a healthy household.
A strong family foundation is built on emotional safety, mutual respect, stability, trust, responsible parenting, communication, affection, accountability, financial responsibility, and adults’ ability to resolve conflict without destroying one another.
Two emotionally healthy parents raising one child in a peaceful home may provide a stronger family foundation than two emotionally wounded adults raising ten children in an environment filled with hostility, neglect, instability, fear, competition, or abuse. The question should never be, “How many children do you have?” We should also be asking, “What kind of emotional environment are those children growing up in?”
Children learn relationships by watching us. They watch how Daddy speaks to Mommy. They watch how Mommy responds to Daddy. They notice silence, hostility, affection, tenderness, disrespect, fear, abandonment, reconciliation, and betrayal even when adults believe they are hiding these things.
Research has consistently shown that exposure to intimate partner violence and adverse childhood experiences can have important consequences for children’s emotional and behavioral development (Evans et al., 2008; Hughes et al., 2017). Therefore, building strong African families cannot simply mean encouraging people to marry and have more children. It must also mean preparing emotionally healthy people for marriage and parenthood. This is why African women also have inner work to do, not because women are responsible for men’s mistreatment of them, but because self-awareness and self-worth can strengthen their ability to recognize unhealthy dynamics and establish boundaries.
Some women were raised to believe that being chosen for marriage is an achievement greater than choosing themselves wisely. Some were taught to tolerate almost anything to keep the title of “wife.” Some confuse suffering with loyalty and endurance with virtue. Others believe that if they love a wounded man enough, pray enough, submit enough, cook enough, forgive enough, or sacrifice enough, he will eventually become the man they saw at the beginning of the relationship. However, a woman cannot love a man into doing emotional work he refuses to do. Moreover, a man cannot use a woman as therapy for wounds he refuses to confront.
African men need spaces where emotional healing is not treated as weakness. Therapy should not be something a man seeks only when his marriage is collapsing. Men need permission to examine childhood abandonment, parental relationships, rejection, insecurity, anger, attachment patterns, grief, sexual behavior, previous relationships, and their understanding of masculinity. A man must eventually ask himself: Why do I constantly need another woman’s attention? Why does peace feel boring to me? Why am I intensely attracted to women I barely know? Why do I promise forever while experiencing temporary emotions? Why do I lose interest once a woman becomes emotionally attached to me? Why can’t I sit alone after a relationship ends? What am I running from? African women must ask equally difficult questions: Why am I impressed by intensity instead of consistency? Why do I ignore red flags because I want the relationship to work? Why am I afraid of being alone? Why does being chosen make me feel valuable? Why do I believe marriage determines my worth? Why am I trying to rescue someone who refuses to heal himself? Healing requires honesty from both sides. Men need accountability without shame. Women need self-worth without apology.
Our communities must teach boys emotional intelligence before they become husbands and fathers. We must teach girls that marriage is not proof of their value. We must stop celebrating weddings without discussing the psychological health of the people entering the marriage. Slow down. Become friends. Build trust. Ask difficult questions. Seek premarital counseling. Observe character. Heal individually. Then decide whether marriage is truly the right decision. Marriage should not be the place where two strangers finally discover whom they married. Love should not be measured by how desperately someone pursues you. Love should be measured by what remains when the excitement settles.
Real love can survive ordinary days. It can tolerate boundaries. It can accept accountability. It does not require another woman every time novelty disappears. It does not make promises merely to gain access to someone and then discard her once she becomes attached, married, pregnant, or financially dependent.
Before telling someone, “I love you,” perhaps more people need to ask themselves a deeper question: Have I healed enough to know how to love?
Because sometimes what we call love is attraction. Sometimes it is loneliness. Sometimes it is insecurity. Sometimes it is unresolved childhood pain.
Sometimes it is the hunger to be admired.
Sometimes it is lust.
Moreover, until we are courageous enough to know the difference, we will continue creating marriages in which two wounded people expect each other to heal wounds neither one has been willing to confront.
The solution is not for African women to hate African men or for African men to blame African women. The solution is healthier African men and healthier African women people who enter relationships not looking for someone to complete, rescue, validate, possess, or rehabilitate them, but prepared to build something emotionally safe together. The goal is not simply marriage. The goal is a healthy marriage. The goal is not simply having children. The goal is to raise emotionally healthy children in a home where they can see what respect, trust, accountability, friendship, and genuine love actually look like.
Our children deserve to inherit healthier relationships than the ones many adults were taught to endure. Moreover, that healing has to begin somewhere. Let it begin with us.
By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay
Journalist/ Psychologist
Marriage and Family Therapist.
References:
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