Many of the challenges facing African families today cannot be understood solely through the lens of economics, politics, or culture. They must also be examined through the lens of how boys are socialized from childhood. In many African societies, too many boys are raised with little or no accountability. Their primary responsibilities are often limited to going to school and playing, while girls are expected to help with domestic labor, care for siblings, and prepare for the responsibilities of adulthood. As these boys become men, some enter marriage without having learned accountability, emotional regulation, empathy, or shared responsibility. Instead, they may develop an unhealthy sense of entitlement, a belief that they deserve obedience, admiration, and unquestioned authority simply because they are men.
This pattern does not describe every African man, nor is it unique to Africa. Many African men reject violence, embrace equality, and model healthy partnerships. However, the normalization of male entitlement in some communities deserves serious attention because it contributes to cycles of unhealthy relationships, domestic violence, and emotional trauma. Social learning theory suggests that children internalize behaviors they repeatedly observe and are rewarded for, meaning that boys who grow up without meaningful accountability may carry those expectations into adulthood (Bandura, 1977).
Many unhealed African boys grow into men who struggle with emotional intelligence. Rather than learning to communicate disappointment, insecurity, or fear in healthy ways, some are taught that anger is strength and that aggression is proof of masculinity. They may believe every disagreement is disrespect, every boundary is rebellion, and every challenge to their authority is an attack on their identity. Because society often excuses these behaviors by saying, “That is just how men are,” accountability becomes rare while entitlement continues to grow.
This entitlement can create what many people describe as a “God complex” within intimate relationships. The unhealed husband may believe he is the prize and that his wife exists primarily to serve him. He expects to be loved, respected, pampered, forgiven, and emotionally cared for regardless of how he behaves. He may expect his wife to become his mother instead of his partner. Respect is demanded rather than earned, while love is viewed as an obligation instead of a mutual commitment.
Imagine Modou and Fatou, a married couple living in the United States. Both work full-time jobs. Every morning Fatou prepares the children for school, coordinates transportation, attends parent-teacher conferences, schedules doctor’s appointments, monitors homework, manages extracurricular activities, cooks meals, cleans the house, does the laundry, and carries the invisible mental load of keeping the household functioning. Modou leaves for work each morning, returns home to a prepared meal, and expects everything inside the home to be completed without recognizing the labor required to maintain it. Whenever Fatou asks for financial assistance beyond basic household expenses, Modou tells her he has no money.
Following a visit to relatives in Africa, Modou returns home and calmly informs Fatou that he married a second wife while abroad. He expects her to accept the decision because, in his view, he is entitled to do so. Fatou, physically exhausted from working full time while carrying nearly all the parenting and household responsibilities, reaches her limit. She asks him to leave the home. Rather than respecting her decision, Modou refuses. Believing that the home belongs to him and convinced that his authority cannot be challenged, he becomes violent and assaults Fatou. During the altercation, he damages property throughout the house. Fearing for her safety and the safety of her children, Fatou calls 911. Law enforcement responds, removes Modou from the residence, arrests him for domestic violence, and files additional charges related to property destruction.
This scenario reflects patterns that occur in many communities worldwide. It is not intended to suggest that African men are uniquely violent or that all African families experience abuse. Rather, it illustrates how entitlement, lack of emotional regulation, and acceptance of violence can combine to produce devastating consequences for families.
One of the strengths of the United States legal system is its recognition that domestic violence is not merely a private family matter but a public safety issue. While no justice system is perfect, legal protections such as emergency police response, protective orders, criminal prosecution, child protection measures, and access to shelters acknowledge that women and children deserve protection from abuse. These protections exist because emotionally uncontrolled individuals like Modou are found in every society. When violence is minimized or justified as normal male behavior, victims become trapped, and children often experience long-lasting emotional, psychological, and developmental harm (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024; World Health Organization, 2021).
Research consistently demonstrates that children exposed to domestic violence face significantly higher risks of anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, academic difficulties, and future involvement in unhealthy relationships (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024). Therefore, protecting women also protects children. A child who repeatedly witnesses violence often learns distorted beliefs about love, power, and conflict resolution that may continue into adulthood.
Healing must therefore become a priority. Healing means teaching boys from childhood that leadership begins with responsibility rather than privilege. Boys should learn emotional regulation, accountability, empathy, conflict resolution, respect for women, shared parenting, and healthy communication. They should understand that marriage is a partnership built upon mutual love, sacrifice, trust, and accountability, not domination or ownership. Respect cannot be demanded through fear; it is earned through consistent character.
Healing must also include empowering African women. Financial independence is not about rejecting marriage or family. Rather, it provides women with the ability to protect themselves and their children when relationships become abusive. Economic dependence frequently limits a woman’s options for leaving dangerous situations. Education, career development, financial literacy, entrepreneurship, and access to community support create pathways toward safety and long-term stability (United Nations Women, 2024). Women should never feel obligated to remain in abusive relationships because they lack the financial means to survive independently.
Many African women have been taught that serving their husbands without question is the highest expression of love. They are encouraged to treat their husbands like kings while receiving little emotional support, shared responsibility, or appreciation in return. In unhealthy relationships, this imbalance can reinforce entitlement rather than mutual respect. When an unhealed husband is consistently placed on a pedestal without accountability, he may come to believe that his authority is absolute and that violence is an acceptable response whenever his expectations are challenged.
The future of African families depends not only on raising educated boys but also on raising emotionally healthy men. Academic success without emotional maturity cannot build healthy marriages or stable communities. Boys must learn that strength includes humility, accountability, compassion, self-control, and service. Girls must learn that their worth does not depend on enduring abuse to preserve a marriage. Children deserve homes where conflict is resolved through communication rather than intimidation and where love is measured by safety, respect, and shared responsibility.
Breaking intergenerational cycles of abuse requires families, schools, faith communities, policymakers, and community leaders to reject the normalization of violence and replace it with accountability, healing, and emotional education. When African societies raise boys to become responsible partners rather than entitled rulers, and empower girls to become confident, financially independent women, healthier marriages, stronger families, and safer communities become possible.
By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay,
Journalist/ Psychologist
Marriage and Family Therapist
References:
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice Hall.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Preventing intimate partner violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/prevention/index.html
United Nations Women. (2024). Women’s economic empowerment. https://www.unwomen.org
World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women prevalence estimates, 2018. World Health Organization.
