What happens when the marriage an African woman is fighting so hard to save is slowly making her sick?
For many African women, marriage is more than a relationship. It can represent family, culture, identity, motherhood, social acceptance, and financial security. From an early age, many women are taught how to become “good wives”: how to endure, compromise, forgive, nurture, remain respectful, and hold their families together. But we do not talk enough about what happens when constantly holding everyone and everything together begins to break the woman herself.
Some African women are carrying the emotional weight of unhealthy marriages while silently struggling with anxiety, depression, chronic stress, exhaustion, and physical symptoms. They wake up worrying about their children, husbands, finances, extended families, and what might go wrong next. Their bodies may lie down at night, but their minds never truly rest. Eventually, the body may begin to speak.
The headaches become more frequent. Sleep becomes difficult—the heart races. The body feels exhausted. Weight may become increasingly difficult to manage. She becomes irritable, overwhelmed, tearful, anxious, or emotionally numb. She may visit doctors repeatedly because she knows something does not feel right, yet there may not always be one simple explanation for everything she is experiencing. And still, she keeps going.
She cooks, works, raises the children, solves problems, supports relatives, protects everyone around her, and carries the household’s emotional burden. When someone asks, “How are you?” she smiles and says, “I’m fine.” But what if she is not fine?
What if the African woman everyone keeps calling “strong” has become accustomed to surviving? Consider the story of Modou and Fatou.
Modou and Fatou have been married for many years and have five children together. From the outside, their marriage looks respectable. They have a family, a home, and children they both love. People see Fatou as a devoted wife and mother. What they do not see is the emotional pressure she carries behind closed doors.
Whenever Modou becomes unhappy with Fatou or believes she has “misbehaved,” he reminds her that he can take a second wife. Sometimes he says it during an argument. Sometimes he says it jokingly. Sometimes it is simply a reminder of the power he believes he holds over her. But Fatou never receives it as a joke.
Every time Modou mentions another wife, Fatou begins worrying. What will happen to my children? Will he still provide for us? Will he love her more than me? What will my family say? What will the community say? What have I done wrong? How can I prevent this from happening? So Fatou tries harder.
She tries to be a better wife. She tries to keep Modou happy. She takes care of their five children. She worries about their education, their health, and their futures. She worries about finances and extended family. She worries about her marriage. She worries about everybody around her. But almost nobody is asking who is taking care of Fatou.
Over time, she begins experiencing headaches, exhaustion, poor sleep, heart palpitations, body aches, stomach discomfort, irritability, and anxiety. Some days she feels sad without fully understanding why. Other days she feels overwhelmed by the smallest problem.
Fatou visits doctors because she knows something is wrong. Tests are performed, medications are prescribed, and she continues searching for an explanation for why she never seems to feel well.
Her weight becomes another source of frustration. She is constantly dieting. She eliminates foods, starts another diet, loses a few pounds, gains them back, and blames herself. Yet body weight is complex and can be influenced by genetics, diet, sleep, physical activity, medications, medical conditions, hormones, environment, and psychological stress. Research has associated chronic stress and stress-hormone activity with changes in appetite, eating behavior, metabolism, and obesity risk in some individuals (van der Valk et al., 2025).
Fatou believes she needs more discipline. What she does not recognize is how long her body and mind have been operating under pressure. Then one day, Fatou collapses.
At the hospital, a more extensive medical evaluation reveals that her blood pressure is dangerously high. She is also diagnosed with diabetes. The diagnosis frightens her.
An unhealthy marriage alone does not cause hypertension or diabetes. Both conditions are complex and can involve genetic, biological, behavioral, environmental, and lifestyle factors. However, prolonged stress can affect cardiovascular and metabolic health and make healthy behaviors and managing existing health conditions more difficult.
Fatou had spent years paying attention to everyone else’s needs while missing the warning signs coming from her own body.
Her story represents something we need to discuss more openly in African communities: the psychological and physical consequences of living under constant emotional pressure.
Many women describe this experience as constantly being in their “masculine energy.” Masculine energy is not a clinical diagnosis or scientific psychological term. In everyday conversations, however, some women use the phrase to describe what it feels like always to have to provide, protect, plan, solve problems, make decisions, remain emotionally guarded, and carry responsibilities without dependable support.
She cannot relax because she is always anticipating the next problem. She cannot completely depend on anyone, so she depends on herself. She becomes the provider, protector, planner, problem-solver, caregiver, emotional support system, and crisis manager all at once. Eventually, she may become emotionally and physically exhausted.
What some women call being “stuck in masculine energy” may sometimes reflect something much more serious: chronic stress, hypervigilance, emotional overload, anxiety, or simply the exhaustion of carrying too much responsibility for too long.
Chronic psychological stress deserves attention. Women experiencing harmful or violent intimate relationships can face increased risks of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms, sleep problems, headaches, pain, gastrointestinal symptoms, and poor overall health (World Health Organization [WHO], 2026).
Not every unhealthy marriage involves physical violence. Emotional intimidation, threats, humiliation, coercive control, financial control, persistent instability, and living in fear can also damage a woman’s psychological well-being. A woman should not need a visible bruise before we acknowledge that she is suffering. African women must learn to listen when their bodies begin speaking.
Don’t dismiss persistent headaches automatically. Neither should unexplained exhaustion, dizziness, heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, significant changes in appetite or weight, frequent crying, irritability, panic, persistent sadness, loss of interest in once-enjoyed activities, difficulty concentrating, or constantly feeling on edge.
These symptoms do not automatically mean stress is responsible. Many physical and mental health conditions can produce similar symptoms. That is precisely why women should seek appropriate medical evaluation instead of assuming they need to “be strong.”
High blood pressure is particularly important because a person can have hypertension without obvious symptoms. Regular medical checkups and appropriate screening for blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol, and other health risks can identify problems before a medical emergency occurs.
We also need to normalize mental health treatment in African communities. Talking to a psychologist does not mean a woman is “crazy.” Seeing a therapist does not mean she has failed as a wife. Seeking counseling does not mean she has abandoned her culture, religion, or family. Sometimes healing begins by finally having a safe place to say, “I am tired.”
A psychologist or other qualified mental health professional can help a woman understand anxiety, depression, trauma, unhealthy relationship patterns, coping behaviors, and boundaries. Evidence-based psychological interventions are established treatments for many mental health conditions, including anxiety disorders (WHO, 2026).
Faith and professional mental health care can also coexist. A woman can pray and go to therapy. She can seek spiritual guidance and see a doctor. She can believe deeply in God while recognizing that her mind and body may need professional care.
Healing also requires caring for the body. Start small. Walk for 15 or 20 minutes. Stretch. Dance in your living room. Take a peaceful walk outside. Exercise with a friend. Join a gym if it is affordable and accessible. Find an activity that gets your body moving and that you can realistically keep up.
Physical activity benefits both physical and mental health. WHO recommends regular physical activity because it can help reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety and lower the risk of conditions including cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. For medically able adults, WHO recommends approximately 150–300 minutes of moderate aerobic physical activity each week, while emphasizing that some physical activity is better than none (WHO, 2020).
Exercise, however, should never be used to tell a woman that she can work her way through an emotionally abusive or coercive marriage.
You cannot exercise away intimidation. You cannot diet away emotional abuse. You cannot pray away every medical condition. And you cannot keep calling yourself “strong” while your body is begging you to stop.
Healing may involve exercise, better sleep, nutritious food, medical treatment, therapy, boundaries, supportive friendships, spiritual care, honest conversations, and asking for help. Where there is abuse or a credible threat to a woman or her children, safety should come first, with appropriate professional, community, medical, or legal support.
Perhaps one of the most important reasons an African mother should take care of herself is her children.
Mothers sometimes believe that sacrificing themselves completely proves how much they love their children. But children also need healthy mothers. They need a mother who can laugh with them, attend their school activities, listen, nurture, and be emotionally present. They need a mother who is alive, supported, and physically and emotionally as healthy as possible.
Children are also affected by the emotional environment in which they grow. WHO notes that intimate partner violence can have consequences for children’s health and well-being as well as women’s health (WHO, 2026). Taking care of yourself as a mother is therefore not selfish. It is part of caring for your children.
Fatou spent years asking whether Modou was happy. She asked whether her children were happy. She worried about whether her extended family was happy. She worried about what society would think. She worried about preserving her marriage.
But there was one question she rarely asked:
Is Fatou okay?
African woman, ask yourself that question.
Not, Are my children okay? Not, Is my husband okay? Not, What will people say? Not, how will my family feel?
Ask yourself: Am I okay?
Pay attention to your body. Know your blood pressure. Get your health screenings. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Rest when you can. Eat in ways that support your health. Speak to someone you trust. Find a qualified mental health professional when you need one. Establish boundaries. Stop carrying problems that do not belong entirely to you.
And please stop believing that suffering silently is evidence of being a good African wife.
Being a good mother does not require destroying yourself. Being a good wife does not require living in constant fear. Seeking therapy does not make you weak. Resting does not make you lazy. Taking care of your health does not make you selfish.
Sometimes the strongest thing a woman can say is, “I cannot continue taking care of everybody while neglecting myself.”
Perhaps it is time we stop asking African women how much they can endure and start asking what all that enduring is doing to their minds, their bodies, and their health.
Because a healthy mother is better positioned to care for her children, and healthier women contribute to healthier families and communities.
African women deserve more than survival. They deserve to heal.
By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay
Journalist / Psychologist
Marriage and Family Therapist.
References:
Van der Valk, E. S., et al. (2025). Glucocorticoids and HPA axis regulation in the stress–obesity connection: A comprehensive overview of biological, physiological, and behavioral dimensions. Obesity Reviews.
World Health Organization. (2020). WHO guidelines on physical activity and sedentary behavior. World Health Organization.
World Health Organization. (2026). Anxiety disorders. World Health Organization.
World Health Organization. (2026). Violence against women. World Health Organization.
