We spend so much time teaching African women how to KEEP a husband, but when are we going to start teaching African men how to BE husbands? From childhood, the African girl child is often groomed for marriage. She is taught how to cook, clean, serve, respect her husband, tolerate his family, raise children, forgive, compromise, remain faithful, and protect the reputation of her marriage. She is repeatedly told that becoming a “good wife” requires sacrifice and endurance. But who is teaching our sons emotional intelligence, communication, fidelity, respect, accountability, conflict resolution, fatherhood, and the fundamental values of marriage?
For many African women, divorce was never presented as an acceptable option. She was raised to stay. She was taught that marriage requires endurance, sometimes even when what she is enduring has crossed the line into abuse. If her husband cheats, she may be told to forgive him. If he humiliates her, she may be told to remain patient. If he emotionally or financially abuses her, she may be told that marriage is difficult for everyone. If he physically abuses her, she may still hear, “Stay for the children.” This conditioning can create an environment where preserving the marriage becomes more important than protecting the woman inside it.
Domestic violence must therefore be included in any serious discussion about African marriage and divorce. Intimate partner violence is not simply a “marital problem”; it is a major public-health and human-rights concern. The World Health Organization estimates that nearly one in three women globally have experienced physical and/or sexual violence, most commonly from an intimate partner, and the burden remains substantial within the African region (World Health Organization, 2021; World Health Organization Regional Office for Africa, 2025). These experiences can have serious physical, psychological, sexual, reproductive, and social consequences for women.
Yet some African women experiencing domestic violence are pressured to remain married because leaving is viewed as more shameful than the violence itself. Family members may tell her to think about the children. Religious or community leaders may encourage patience and reconciliation. She may be reminded of the bride price, family reputation, or how long she has already been married. People may ask, “Where will you go?” instead of asking her husband, “Why are you hurting your wife?”
That is the tragedy. A woman can be physically endangered inside her marriage and still be pressured to save it. No woman should be encouraged to remain in a situation where she reasonably fears serious injury or death to preserve the appearance of marriage. Children also do not benefit from being raised in an environment of violence, fear, intimidation, and instability. Protecting children also means protecting the safety and well-being of the parent caring for them.
Maybe we have been asking the wrong question all along. Instead of constantly asking, “Why are so many African women getting divorced?” perhaps we should also be asking, “What are some African men doing inside these marriages that is contributing to divorce?” Africa is diverse, and certainly not every African man behaves the same way. Both husbands and wives can contribute to marital breakdown. However, research across African settings has documented the effects of patriarchal gender expectations, controlling behavior, intimate partner violence, economic inequality, and unequal sexual standards on women’s experiences of marriage (Smith, 2010; World Bank, 2018; World Health Organization Regional Office for Africa, 2025).
One problem is that some men are prepared to pursue women but are never prepared for the emotional responsibilities of becoming husbands. Attraction is not emotional intelligence. Lust is not love. Possession is not partnership. A man can desperately want a woman and still lack the maturity required to maintain a healthy marriage with her. He may pursue her passionately, marry her, and then slowly switch from pursuit to control. Before marriage, it is, “I love you.” After marriage, it becomes, “You are my wife, so you must do what I say.” Marriage was never supposed to mean ownership. A wife is a partner, not property.
Control can also become a form of abuse. Constantly monitoring a wife’s movements, isolating her from friends and relatives, controlling her finances, threatening her, humiliating her, intimidating her, or using physical violence to force compliance should never be confused with being the “head of the household.” Abuse is not leadership. Fear is not respect. Control is not love.
Another problem is the lack of respect some husbands show their wives once marriage has been secured. A man may expect his wife to respect him, his mother, his sisters, his brothers, his traditions, and his entire family while failing to demand that those same people respect his wife. In some African families, a woman can spend 10, 20, or 30 years married to a man, raise his children, build a home with him, sacrifice for the family, and still be treated as the outsider.
His mother can disrespect her. His sisters can interfere in the marriage. His relatives can participate in decisions that should belong to the husband and wife, and instead of establishing healthy boundaries, the husband remains silent. Respecting your mother does not require disrespecting your wife. Loving your sisters does not permit them to interfere with your marriage. A married man must understand that protecting his marriage’s boundaries is part of being a husband.
Male infidelity is another behavior that has been normalized for far too long. When a woman cheats, society may immediately condemn her character. When a man cheats, we hear, “Men are men.” No. Infidelity does not become acceptable simply because the person committing it is male. Research in southeastern Nigeria documented gender inequalities surrounding marriage and sexuality, including greater tolerance for men’s extramarital relationships than women’s infidelity (Smith, 2010). If fidelity is expected from a wife, fidelity should be expected from a husband. Accountability cannot have a gender.
Consider the story of Fatou and Modou, a composite example representing a pattern many African women may recognize. Fatou and Modou have been married for 14 years and have four children together. Fatou has invested fourteen years of her life into the marriage, household, and raising their children. One day, Modou comes home and tells Fatou that he is divorcing her. He tells her she needs to leave because, according to him, “This is my house.” He gives her an ultimatum: leave without the children or take the children and leave. A few days later, Modou marries another woman.
Now watch how society responds. Instead of asking Modou what happened to his fourteen-year marriage, what financial arrangements he made for his four children, where his children’s mother would live, or what responsibility he accepted for the breakdown of his family, everyone turns to Fatou. “What did you do?” “Why couldn’t you keep your husband?” “You should have been more patient.” Meanwhile, Modou is congratulated for marrying another woman.
This is exactly where accountability becomes important. Why would irresponsible behavior change when there are little to no social consequences for it? Why do we prepare shame for the divorced African woman while sometimes preparing congratulations for the divorced man who immediately remarries? Why do we investigate her failures before examining his behavior?
The problem worsens when children are involved. After divorce, women can face substantial caregiving and economic burdens. World Bank research has highlighted the vulnerability divorced and widowed women can experience across parts of Africa, particularly where women have weaker access to property, income, inheritance, and legal protections (World Bank, 2017, 2018).
A man may divorce his wife, but he cannot divorce his children. Those children still need food, housing, school fees, clothing, healthcare, transportation, emotional support, and active parenting. Fatherhood does not expire because a marriage ends. Telling a mother to “take the children and leave” does not transfer every financial and parenting responsibility to her.
African society must therefore stop automatically asking women what they did to cause their divorces. Sometimes the woman contributed to the marriage’s breakdown, and she should be accountable. Sometimes both partners failed each other. But sometimes a husband’s infidelity, violence, abuse, emotional neglect, controlling behavior, irresponsibility, or failure to establish boundaries with extended family contributed substantially to the collapse of the marriage. We must be willing to examine the circumstances instead of automatically blaming the woman.
Accountability must begin before the wedding. African families spend months discussing wedding clothes, food, ceremonies, bride-price traditions, jewelry, decorations, guest lists, and celebrations. How much time do we spend investigating whether these two people actually understand marriage?
Before giving their daughter’s hand in marriage, families should be asking serious questions. What does fidelity mean to you? How do you handle anger? How do you resolve conflict? What happens when your mother disagrees with your wife? Will your sisters be allowed to interfere in your marriage? Do you believe your wife is your partner or someone you are entitled to control? What are your expectations regarding money? Who owns property acquired during the marriage? How will children be financially supported if the marriage ends? What are your beliefs about domestic violence? What behaviors do you consider emotional, financial, sexual, or physical abuse? Are you willing to attend counseling when your marriage is struggling?
We also need to ask our daughters important questions. What do you believe respect looks like in marriage? How will you communicate when you are angry? What are your boundaries? Are you financially prepared? Do you understand that love should never require accepting violence? Marriage preparation cannot simply teach a woman how to serve her husband. It should prepare both people to become healthy spouses.
Premarital counseling should become normalized throughout African communities. Research suggests marriage and relationship interventions can improve communication and relationship satisfaction, although outcomes vary across programs (Javadivala et al., 2021). Couples should discuss money, fidelity, intimacy, religion, children, parenting, extended-family boundaries, emotional regulation, communication, property, conflict resolution, abuse, divorce, and co-parenting before marriage.
Premarital counseling should also establish something that every couple needs to understand: violence is not an acceptable conflict-resolution strategy. A slap is not communication. A punch is not discipline. Threatening your spouse is not leadership. Intimidation is not authority. No cultural expectation of marital endurance should override someone’s right to safety.
Marriage registration and legal documentation are equally important. The World Bank has identified measures such as registering customary marriages and strengthening women’s property and inheritance rights as potentially important protections for women experiencing divorce or widowhood (World Bank, 2018). African countries have different legal, customary, and religious systems, so that no single divorce law can apply across the continent. However, governments should examine stronger systems for protecting children and economically vulnerable spouses when marriages end.
Marriage licenses and registration systems should clearly establish legal responsibilities regarding marital property, financial maintenance, custody, child support, and parental responsibility. The financial consequences of divorce should reflect responsibilities created during marriage. This should not mean automatically punishing a husband simply because he is male. Financial obligations should be determined fairly under applicable law, based on income, property, caregiving contributions, custody arrangements, length of marriage, and the number and needs of the children.
A father with four children should not be able to walk away, establish another household, and pretend his responsibilities disappeared with his marriage. If a mother has financial obligations under the law, she should also fulfill them. Divorce can terminate a marriage; it should never terminate parental responsibility.
Most importantly, we need healing. Divorce can leave behind anger, grief, humiliation, resentment, financial hardship, rejection, trauma, and deep emotional wounds. Domestic violence can add another layer of psychological and physical harm. Survivors may need professional support, safety, community, financial stability, and time to rebuild their lives. Healing should never be rushed simply because society is uncomfortable with a divorced woman.
When children are involved, parents must also be careful not to turn those children into weapons. Healing does not necessarily mean reconciliation. Healing can mean therapy. Healing can mean accepting what happened. Healing can mean acknowledging your own mistakes. Healing can mean learning how to co-parent without continuing the war. Healing can mean forgiving without returning. And where violence or coercive control has occurred, safety must come before reconciliation or conventional co-parenting expectations.
Both husband and wife must examine themselves honestly and accept responsibility for whatever role they played in the marriage. If the husband was wrong, hold him accountable. If the wife was wrong, hold her accountable. If both were wrong, hold both accountable. But domestic violence should never be reduced to ordinary “marital conflict,” and responsibility for abusive behavior belongs to the person choosing to abuse.
We cannot continue grooming African daughters for endurance while failing to prepare African sons for accountability. We cannot tell a woman to “stay for the children” when staying means those same children grow up witnessing violence, humiliation, fear, and abuse. We cannot tell women marriage is sacred while excusing husbands who repeatedly violate its fundamental values. We cannot condemn female infidelity while laughing about male infidelity. We cannot tell a woman to protect her marriage while allowing everyone in her husband’s family to invade it. And we cannot celebrate Modou’s new marriage while ignoring Fatou and four children standing in the ruins of the old one.
Holding African men accountable is not an attack on African men. It is an investment in African men, African women, African children, and the future of African families. The goal should never be fewer divorces. The goal should be healthier marriages. And when a marriage becomes abusive, dangerous, or genuinely cannot survive, the priority should be safety, accountability, responsible parenting, legal protection, and healing.
Maybe when we begin holding husbands and wives accountable, requiring meaningful parental responsibility after divorce, protecting women and children legally and financially, taking domestic violence seriously, encouraging premarital counseling, and teaching our sons emotional intelligence alongside everything we have historically taught our daughters about becoming wives, we will finally begin changing the divorce dynamics in African society.
The future of African marriage should not be determined by how much suffering an African woman can endure. A successful marriage should be measured by the respect, safety, responsibility, emotional maturity, fidelity, accountability, and love that BOTH people bring into it.
By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay,
Journalist / Psychologist
Marriage and Family Therapist.
References:
Javadivala, Z., Allahverdipour, H., Asghari Jafarabadi, M., et al. (2021). Improved couple satisfaction and communication with marriage and relationship programs: Are there gender differences? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Systematic Reviews, 10, 178. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-021-01719-0
Smith, D. J. (2010). Promiscuous girls, good wives, and cheating husbands: Gender inequality, transitions to marriage, and infidelity in southeastern Nigeria. Anthropological Quarterly, 83(1), 123–152. https://doi.org/10.1353/anq.0.0118
World Bank. (2017). Divorce, widowhood, and women’s welfare in Africa. World Bank Group.
World Bank. (2018). Invisible and excluded: The fate of widows and divorcees in Africa. World Bank Group.
World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women prevalence estimates, 2018. World Health Organization.
World Health Organization Regional Office for Africa. (2025). Sexual and reproductive health analytical brief 2025. WHO Regional Office for Africa.
