By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay
Journalist | Psychologist
One of the quiet but deeply destructive forces affecting many African marriages today is the rise of the male-centered woman, often described in modern language as the “pick me” (Amadiume, 1987; Oyěwùmí, 2015). This is not a woman who simply desires love or partnership, because those desires are natural and healthy. Rather, it is a woman whose identity is built entirely around male approval, validation, and selection. Her sense of worth is measured not by her character, integrity, or inner wholeness, but by whether a man, especially a married man, chooses her. This mindset harms more than marriages. It affects women, children, and the moral structure of entire communities (Nzegwu, 2006).
A male-centered woman often does not know who she is outside of male attention. She shapes her personality, values, and boundaries around what men want. Being “chosen” becomes her greatest achievement. Because of this, she may see other women not as sisters or allies, but as competition. Instead of respecting marriages, she positions herself as the “better option,” more understanding, more peaceful, more respectful (Amadiume, 1987). She may believe that proximity to a married man proves her worth. In reality, this behavior often reveals deep emotional wounds and unresolved trauma.
Consider a common scenario: a young professional woman enters a workplace where a senior married colleague mentors her. Instead of maintaining boundaries, she begins to frame herself as the one who “truly understands him.” She listens to his complaints about his wife and subtly reinforces the idea that he is unappreciated at home. Over time, emotional intimacy develops. She justifies the connection by convincing herself that the wife is “difficult” or “cold.” What begins as validation seeking gradually destabilizes a family.
In another case, a woman actively seeks relationships only with married men. She interprets their marital status as evidence of their desirability and stability. Being chosen over a wife gives her a sense of superiority and triumph. The competition becomes more important than the relationship itself. When the relationship collapses, as it often does, she repeats the pattern with another unavailable man. The issue is no longer romance; it is unresolved trauma driving a cycle of emotional self-sabotage (Oyěwùmí, 2015).
There are also social media dynamics. A male-centered woman may publicly mock wives as “too traditional,” “too demanding,” or “not submissive enough,” positioning herself as the modern, low-maintenance alternative. She crafts an identity built on comparison. Her self-esteem depends on outperforming another woman rather than developing her own wholeness. Such narratives normalize rivalry and erode solidarity among women.
The damage extends beyond couples. Children often absorb the emotional chaos that follows marital disruption. A child who witnesses tension, separation, or parental conflict internalizes instability as normal. Over time, these patterns shape how the child understands love, trust, and commitment. African scholars have long warned that family disruption carries long-term societal consequences because children replicate the emotional models they observe (Achebe, 1983; Amadiume, 1987). What begins as an individual validation crisis becomes intergenerational trauma.
In community settings, male-centered dynamics can create silent hostility among women. At weddings or family gatherings, subtle competition over male attention replaces sisterhood. Compliments become comparisons. Support becomes surveillance. Instead of collective empowerment, there is fragmentation. This weakens communal bonds that have historically sustained African societies (Nzegwu, 2006).
Ironically, many male-centered women believe they are expressing femininity. Yet their behavior often reflects competition, conquest, control, and dominance. They over-function emotionally, promise endlessly, and perform tirelessly, not from wholeness, but from fear of not being chosen. True feminine presence does not chase or bargain for affection. It attracts through self-respect, boundaries, and inner stability (Oyěwùmí, 2015).
At its core, this behavior is often about control. Controlling a man’s attention becomes proof of worth. Without that attention, these women may feel invisible. This is not love; it is survival shaped by unhealed trauma (Fanon, 1967; Nzegwu, 2006). A woman who truly knows her worth does not need to take from another woman to feel alive.
This conversation is not about shaming women; it is about accountability and healing. Male-centered women are not inherently malicious. Many are deeply hurt. Some were emotionally neglected, abandoned, or conditioned to believe that their value depends on being chosen (Amadiume, 1987). However, pain does not excuse harmful behavior.
Healing is necessary. Healing teaches women to choose dignity over attention, self-respect over validation, and sisterhood over rivalry. It teaches boundaries, self-awareness, and emotional responsibility. No healed woman pursues a married man. No whole woman builds her identity solely on male approval. No self-respecting woman destroys another woman’s home to feel important.
African societies cannot thrive if women are conditioned to compete for male validation instead of healing together. The deeper work is not only about choosing better men, but it is also about raising healed women who know their worth without needing to be chosen (Oyěwùmí, 2015; Nzegwu, 2006).
References
Achebe, C. (1983). The trouble with Nigeria. Heinemann.
Amadiume, I. (1987). Male daughters, female husbands: Gender and sex in an African society. Zed Books.
Fanon, F. (1967). Black skin, white masks (C. L. Markmann, Trans.). Grove Press. (Original work published 1952).
Nzegwu, N. (2006). Family matters: Feminist concepts in African philosophy of culture. State University of New York Press.
Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí. (2015). What gender is motherhood? Changing Yoruba ideals of power, procreation, and identity in the age of modernity. Palgrave Macmillan.
