In many African communities, one of the greatest injustices committed against the African girl child is not only the limitations placed upon her opportunities, but the way her value is often measured by her ability to become someone’s wife. From childhood, many girls are socialized to believe that marriage is the highest achievement they can attain, while education, financial independence, emotional well-being, and personal identity become secondary. Although these experiences vary greatly across families, cultures, and regions, where these norms exist, they can shape a girl’s understanding of her worth in ways that have profound psychological and social consequences (Eagly & Wood, 2012; United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women [UN Women], 2023).
When a girl’s identity is built primarily around male approval, she may begin to believe that being chosen by a man is the ultimate confirmation of her value. Her dreams, ambitions, friendships, and sometimes even her moral compass become secondary to obtaining or maintaining male acceptance. In such environments, competition among women is often normalized instead of solidarity. Rather than encouraging girls to build confidence, careers, healthy relationships, and emotional resilience, society may unintentionally reward sacrifice, silence, and endurance while discouraging self-worth independent of romantic relationships (Bandura, 1986; WHO, 2022).
One of the most painful consequences of this conditioning is that relationships between women can become fractured. Instead of viewing one another as allies, some women are taught to see other women as competitors for limited male attention. This dynamic can damage friendships and even family relationships. In some communities where polygamous marriages are practiced, cultural expectations may reinforce these dynamics. While people experience and interpret polygamous families differently, critics have argued that, in certain contexts, these arrangements can intensify competition among wives and contribute to unequal power dynamics, emotional distress, and reduced autonomy for women (Jankowiak, Sudakov, & Wilreker, 2005; UN Women, 2023).
Consider the story of Fatou and Binta
Fatou and Binta grew up together in the same village. They shared meals, dreams, secrets, and promises that they would remain sisters for life. They celebrated one another’s successes and supported each other through life’s hardships. When Fatou married, Binta stood proudly beside her, helping prepare for the wedding and praying for her friend’s happiness. Fatou trusted Binta completely. She welcomed her into her home, confided in her about her marriage, and never imagined that their friendship would one day become the source of her deepest pain.
Years later, without warning, Fatou discovered that her husband intended to marry Binta as his second wife. The announcement shattered her. She was devastated not only by her husband’s decision but by the betrayal of the person she loved as a sister. Yet instead of acknowledging Fatou’s grief, many people around her dismissed her pain. She was reminded repeatedly that “a man can marry up to four wives.” Her heartbreak was treated as insignificant, while Binta was congratulated and celebrated for becoming a married woman.
No one stopped to ask what this betrayal had done to Fatou’s emotional well-being. No one asked how losing both her husband and her closest friend affected her sense of trust, security, and identity. Instead, the community celebrated one woman’s new status while another woman’s suffering became invisible.
Whether or not one agrees with particular marital practices, the emotional impact of betrayal deserves recognition. When a woman’s grief is minimized simply because a practice is culturally accepted, her humanity risks being overlooked. Emotional pain does not disappear because society has normalized the circumstances that caused it.
This story illustrates a broader psychological concern: when girls are taught that being selected by a man defines their value, some may begin to prioritize male validation above loyalty, friendship, or even family relationships. In these situations, the issue extends beyond individual choices and reflects broader socialization about identity, status, and worth.
Research consistently demonstrates that self-esteem developed through intrinsic qualities such as competence, autonomy, meaningful relationships, and personal achievement is associated with better psychological well-being than self-worth based primarily on external approval (Deci & Ryan, 2000; Orth & Robins, 2014). Girls who are encouraged to develop education, financial independence, emotional intelligence, and healthy boundaries are generally better equipped to make decisions that reflect their values rather than fear of social rejection.
Collective healing begins by changing the messages we give our daughters. We must teach African girls that they are complete human beings long before they become wives. Marriage should be a personal choice, not the foundation of their identity. They deserve to know that their intelligence, character, compassion, creativity, education, leadership, and purpose have value independent of whether a man chooses them.
Communities also benefit when accountability accompanies tradition. Cultural practices should not prevent us from acknowledging emotional harm when it occurs. Healthy societies encourage honesty, empathy, and responsibility alongside respect for cultural and religious diversity. When women experience betrayal, abandonment, or emotional distress, their pain should not be dismissed or silenced.
The African girl child deserves more than a lifetime spent chasing validation. She deserves to be raised believing that she is worthy before any proposal, before any marriage, and before anyone’s approval. She deserves friendships built on trust rather than competition, families that nurture her confidence, and communities that celebrate her education, resilience, leadership, and humanity.
The future of Africa depends not only on educating its daughters but also on helping them develop a secure sense of self that cannot be taken away by rejection, comparison, or competition. When we raise girls whose identities are rooted in self-worth instead of male validation, we raise women who build healthier families, stronger communities, and a more compassionate society. Collective healing begins when we teach our daughters that they were never created merely to be chosen; they were created to become whole.
References:
Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Prentice Hall.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self‐determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Eagly, A. H., & Wood, W. (2012). Social role theory. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 458–476). Sage.
Jankowiak, W., Sudakov, M., & Wilreker, B. C. (2005). Co-wife conflict and cooperation. Ethnology, 44(1), 81–98.
Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381–387.
United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women (UN Women). (2023). Progress on the Sustainable Development Goals: The gender snapshot 2023.
World Health Organization. (2022). World mental health report: Transforming mental health for all.
