What if some African men are not naturally polygamous, but lack the discipline to control their desires and the accountability to take responsibility for their choices? What if what they call love is actually lust, emotional dependency, insecurity, and the constant need for validation from women? And what if the greatest problem in some polygamous marriages is not the number of wives, but the man who has never developed a stable sense of identity?
For generations, some African men have defended polygamy by claiming that men are naturally designed to love multiple women. I challenge this argument because attraction is not love, sexual desire is not commitment, and financial success does not automatically qualify a man to lead multiple households. Research demonstrates that human mating and relationship patterns vary across societies, rather than following one universal biological arrangement (Schacht & Kramer, 2019). Therefore, the argument that African men are naturally polygamous cannot be presented as an established scientific fact.
I believe many men confuse their ability to desire multiple women with their ability to love multiple women responsibly. A man may be sexually attracted to several women, but that does not mean he possesses the emotional maturity, psychological stability, and commitment necessary to maintain healthy relationships with them. Sternberg’s (1986) triangular theory of love identifies intimacy, passion, and commitment as important dimensions of romantic love. This distinction matters because a man can experience passion toward one woman while depending on another for emotional security. He may describe both experiences as love without understanding the differences.
Although human beings can develop romantic feelings for more than one person, I question whether a man who repeatedly deceives, neglects, compares, and emotionally destabilizes his wives is demonstrating genuine love toward either woman.
Consider the story of Modou and Fatou.
Modou married Fatou when he had very little. Together, they built a family, raised children, endured financial hardships, and worked toward a stable future. Fatou became more than his wife. She was his confidante, emotional support, adviser, and the person who helped him navigate difficult decisions.
When Modou struggled financially, Fatou encouraged him. When he doubted himself, she reassured him. When he became overwhelmed, she helped him regain perspective. For years, Fatou’s patience, sacrifices, and emotional intelligence provided much of the emotional stability in their household.
But as Modou became financially successful, his behavior began to change. He started receiving attention from other women. Some admired his accomplishments, others praised his financial position, and some made him feel powerful and desirable. Instead of recognizing this attention as admiration or attraction, Modou began confusing it with love. He eventually decided to marry another woman, explaining to Fatou that African men were naturally polygamous. But was Modou truly acting in line with his nature, or was he using culture to justify his inability to discipline his desires?
A man can afford two households and still lack the emotional maturity to maintain one healthy marriage.
What Modou failed to recognize was that Fatou knew the man behind his success. She understood his weaknesses, insecurities, emotional struggles, and personal history. His second wife, however, initially knew the successful version of Modou. She admired his accomplishments and celebrated the image he presented. For a man who struggles with self-awareness, admiration can feel more comfortable than accountability.
Modou loved the stability Fatou provided, but he also craved the excitement and validation his second wife gave him. He called both experiences love, even though his behavior revealed very different emotional needs.
As his second marriage progressed, something troubling began to happen.
The man who once presented himself as confident and authoritative became increasingly indecisive. With Fatou, he agreed with her concerns and opinions. When he visited his second wife, he adopted her perspectives. He made promises to one woman and later reversed them after speaking with the other. Instead of exercising independent judgment, Modou began mirroring whichever wife he was with.
He wanted both women to admire him, but he struggled to make decisions that reflected consistent values and fairness.
A man who doesn’t know who he is will often become a reflection of whoever influences him at that moment. This is where I believe some polygamous marriages expose deeper problems involving self-awareness, identity, emotional dependency, and accountability. A man who lacks a stable sense of self may become vulnerable to manipulation, flattery, guilt, and emotional pressure. Rather than evaluating situations independently, he may make decisions based on whichever relationship currently provides approval or comfort.
These behaviors are not exclusive to polygamous marriages, and they do not characterize every man in one. However, the competing responsibilities of multiple households can intensify existing weaknesses. Modou became an inconsistent decision-maker because he had never developed the emotional maturity to set boundaries and remain accountable for his choices. He began treating every disagreement between his wives as a competition. Instead of asking what was best for his children, he worried about which wife would become upset. Instead of making fair decisions, he made temporary promises to maintain peace.
When those promises created conflict, he blamed the women.
His children began to notice the tension and emotional distance. Fatou became exhausted from repeatedly explaining responsibilities that should have been obvious. Meanwhile, his second wife grew frustrated because the promises Modou made during courtship didn’t match the realities of marriage. Yet Modou continued insisting that he loved both women equally.
If a man truly loves two women, why must one woman’s emotional security repeatedly come at the expense of the other? Love is not simply telling two women that they are special. Love requires consistency, honesty, respect, emotional responsibility, and the ability to make fair decisions, even when they’re uncomfortable. Research by McNulty and Karney (2004) highlights the importance of expectations and relationship behavior in marital satisfaction. Positive expectations cannot substitute for constructive actions and responsible behavior.
What Modou described as love increasingly resembled emotional dependency. He depended on Fatou for stability while seeking admiration and excitement from another woman. And this is where I challenge the idea that having multiple wives automatically demonstrates masculine strength or leadership.
A man can have three wives and still lack self-discipline. He can father ten children and still lack emotional availability. He can own several properties and still lack financial accountability. He can demand respect from his wives while refusing to examine his own behavior.
Leadership isn’t measured by how many women a man marries. It is measured by his character, judgment, consistency, fairness, and accountability.
A man who changes his principles depending on which wife he is speaking to is not demonstrating strong leadership. He is revealing difficulty maintaining personal boundaries and independent judgment.
A man who lets rivalry, jealousy, or outside influence shape how he treats his children fails to protect their emotional well-being.
A man who repeatedly blames his wives for conflicts he creates through his own decisions avoids responsibility.
We must also examine how some African boys are raised to associate masculinity with dominance, sexual conquest, and authority while receiving little guidance on emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and healthy relationships.
Some men know how to pursue women but have never learned how to maintain healthy relationships. They understand the excitement of courtship but struggle with the responsibilities of commitment. They know how to demand respect but struggle to accept criticism. When their marriages become challenging, they sometimes seek another woman who will admire them without questioning them, rather than examining their own behavior. But admiration isn’t intimacy, and attention isn’t love.
Eventually, Modou’s second wife began asking the same questions Fatou had asked. She wanted consistency, emotional presence, fairness, and accountability. Suddenly, the excitement of the new relationship began to fade as Modou was once again confronted with responsibilities he didn’t want to acknowledge.
The problem was never that Fatou was inadequate or that his second wife was too demanding. The problem was that Modou kept changing relationships without changing the behaviors that made him unhappy.
In Islamic discussions of polygamous marriage, Surah An-Nisa 4:3 emphasizes justice and directs men toward one wife when they fear they cannot act justly. Religious permission should never be confused with freedom from responsibility.
A man cannot take advantage of the permission while ignoring the moral obligations it entails.
For me, the deeper concern is the emotional and psychological consequences experienced by women and children when a man enters multiple marriages without the maturity to manage them responsibly.
Fatou eventually began questioning why she had spent so many years carrying the emotional weight of a man who refused to examine himself. Whenever she demanded accountability, Modou accused her of jealousy. Whenever she questioned his decisions, he accused her of disrespect. Whenever she expressed emotional exhaustion, he reminded her that polygamy was culturally and religiously accepted. But cultural acceptance does not eliminate emotional consequences.
Fatou eventually realized that loving Modou did not require sacrificing her dignity, identity, or mental health. She stopped competing for his attention, established boundaries, and began prioritizing her emotional well-being and that of her children. And something unexpected happened. Modou began struggling even more because the woman who had always provided much of his emotional balance was no longer willing to compensate for his lack of accountability. He had mistaken Fatou’s emotional labor for something he was permanently entitled to receive.
Sometimes a man believes he is the source of stability in his household when, in reality, much of that stability has been sustained by the emotional strength of the woman he takes for granted. This does not mean a man’s stability can exist only through one woman. Genuine emotional stability must come from within. A wife can provide companionship, support, and emotional security, but she should never be responsible for creating a grown man’s identity. This is why self-awareness matters.
A man who does not understand his own emotions may confuse lust with love. A man who lacks emotional discipline may interpret every attraction as an opportunity for another relationship. A man who depends on external validation may constantly seek new admiration rather than develop a stable sense of self. We must stop presenting these behaviors as an unavoidable part of African masculinity.
African men are not all the same. Many are disciplined, faithful, emotionally mature, and deeply committed to their families. Likewise, not every polygamous marriage is dysfunctional. Family experiences vary, and the research does not establish that men are incapable of loving more than one person.
But I firmly believe that some men use the claim of being naturally polygamous to excuse behavior rooted in poor discipline, emotional immaturity, insecurity, and a lack of accountability.
We need to raise boys who understand that masculinity is not measured by the number of women they can attract or marry. We need men who understand the difference between lust and love, admiration and intimacy, authority and leadership.
We need men who recognize that financial success does not automatically produce emotional intelligence and that marrying another woman will not resolve the psychological challenges they carried into their first marriage.
Most importantly, we need to stop teaching women that they must tolerate emotional instability simply because a man describes his behavior as natural.
Desire may arise without intention, but acting on desire is a choice. Attraction is human, but discipline is a responsibility.
A man may feel romantic feelings for more than one woman, but he remains accountable for how his decisions affect every woman and child involved.
Modou’s greatest challenge was never choosing between Fatou and his second wife. It was learning to understand himself without depending on either woman to define his identity.
A man who lacks discipline may call it nature. A man who lacks accountability may call it culture. And a man who lacks self-awareness may mistake emotional dependency for love.
But changing women will never substitute for changing behavior.
Before some African men ask whether they can love two women, they should first ask whether they have learned to love one woman with honesty, emotional maturity, consistency, and accountability.
Because the true measure of a man is not how many women are willing to marry him, but how responsibly he treats the people who have entrusted him with their hearts, their children, and their futures.
Polygamy should never become an excuse for a lack of discipline, and masculinity should never become an escape from accountability.
By:
Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay.
Journalist / Psychologist
Marriage and Family Therapist.
References:
McNulty, J. K., & Karney, B. R. (2004). Positive expectations in the early years of marriage: Should couples expect the best or brace for the worst? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(5), 729–743. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.5.729
Schacht, R., & Kramer, K. L. (2019). Are we monogamous? A review of the evolution of pair-bonding in humans and its contemporary variation cross-culturally. Frontiers in Ecology and Evolution, 7, Article 230. https://doi.org/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119
