By: Dr. Mimi Fatou Ceesay, Journalist/ Psychologist and Couple and Family Therapist
In many African homes, marriage is not just between two people. It brings in family, culture, and expectations. That can be a beautiful thing. But when a mother has deep wounds she has never healed from, it can slowly destroy her son’s marriage from the inside.
This is not always loud or obvious. Sometimes it is quiet, hidden, and very intentional. In many cases, there is a silent competition between the mother and the wife. The mother wants to remain the most important woman in her son’s life. She may not say it directly, but her actions show it. She watches her wife closely, compares herself to her, and looks for ways to stay in control.
This kind of behavior often comes from pain. Many of these mothers were once wives who did not receive love, care, or attention from their husbands. Instead of healing, that pain stays with them. Over time, they come to depend emotionally on their sons (Bowen, 1978). The son becomes more than a child. He becomes the person who fills the space in her life. Because of that, letting him fully love another woman feels like losing him. So control begins, but it is often disguised as care.
The mother will want to have a say in everything about how the wife behaves, how the home is run, and how money is spent. She stays involved in her son’s financial life so she can remain important and needed. She gives advice constantly, even when it is not asked for. She may also emotionally manipulate her son. She makes him believe she is the only woman who truly cares about him. If there is a problem in his marriage, she uses it to pull him closer to her and push him away from his wife.
Sometimes it goes even deeper. She may bring in spiritual manipulation. She might say she had a dream or a feeling that the wife is not meant for her son. In many African cultures, spiritual words carry weight, so this creates fear and confusion (Mbiti, 1990). The son begins to doubt his own marriage. She may even try to control the type of woman he should marry, including her age, her behavior, and how “easy” she is to influence.
All of this is not random. It is driven by fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of being replaced.
Now imagine Modou, his wife Fatou, and his mother Binta.
Modou loves Fatou, but Binta has never healed from her own marriage. She felt ignored and unloved for years. So she held onto her son tightly. When Fatou enters the picture, Binta does not see her as family. She sees her as a threat. At first, Binta pretends to care. She smiles, offers advice, and shows support. However, behind that, she is watching, collecting information, and waiting for moments she can use later. Every small mistake Fatou makes becomes a weapon Binta stores. She tells Modou things like, “Be careful. Women are not what they seem.”
Alternatively, “I saw something. This woman is not your wife in the future. “Slowly, she plants doubt in his mind.
When Modou and Fatou disagree, Binta stokes the fire rather than calming it. She gives Modou bad advice and paints Fatou as a problem. Over time, Modou becomes confused and divided. Instead of growing into a husband, he stays stuck as a son trying to please his mother.
There are moments when this becomes very visible. Modou will raise his voice at Fatou, not just because he is angry, but to prove a point to his mother. He wants Binta to see that he is in charge. He wants her to believe that he controls his home. He might say things like, “This is my house. If you do not like it, you can leave.”
However, the truth is, he is not really in control. He is performing for his mother. His actions are not driven by leadership, but by pressure. Fatou feels disrespected, alone, and constantly judged. No matter what she does, it is never enough, because the competition was never fair to begin with. Moreover, this is not just one story.
Many African men are unhappy in their marriages because of unhealed mothers. They love their wives, but they are afraid to show it. They hold back affection, support, and loyalty because they are worried about how it will make their mothers feel. To them, loving their wife openly can feel like betraying their mother. So they stay in the middle. Never fully choosing. Moreover, because of that, many African women are also unhappy. A woman cannot fully give her heart to a man when she knows that his mother must first approve every decision he makes. She cannot feel safe in a marriage where she is constantly competing for space, respect, and love. Over time, love becomes heavy. Connection becomes distant.
Many African households are silently broken because of unhealed mothers-in-law. The damage is not always visible on the outside; inside, there is tension, resentment, and emotional disconnection.
Men become torn. Women become guarded. Moreover, marriages lose their foundation. This is the reality of unhealed wounds.
As written in The Wounded Warrior Energy:
“A man who has not healed from his mother’s pain will spend his life trying to protect her feelings, even if it means breaking his wife’s heart. His silence will look like peace, but inside, it is fear dressed as loyalty.”
This is why healing is so important. Many of these mothers were once unloved wives. They did not receive affection. They did not feel chosen. That pain turned into control, competition, and fear.
However, it can be healed. Mothers need to face their own wounds and allow their sons to grow. Sons need to separate emotionally and become men who can stand for their wives. A man cannot fully love his wife if he is still trying to please his mother.
If these issues are not addressed, many African marriages will continue to struggle in the same patterns. Control will replace love. Competition will replace partnership. However, change is possible. It starts with awareness. It continues with healing. Moreover, it grows when people choose to break the cycle because love should not feel like a competition.
Moreover, no marriage should have three people fighting for one man’s loyalty.
References:
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation. New York: Norton.
Mbiti, J. S. (1990). African Religions and Philosophy (2nd ed.). Oxford: Heinemann.
